Four Components of NVC:

1. Observations

2. Feelings

3. Needs

4. Requests

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From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation

Stage 1: In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others.

• We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy.
• If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. 
• This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.

Stage 2: In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense.

Stage 3: In the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.

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Learn the Difference:

• Distinguish feelings from thoughts.
• Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are.
• Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.

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• It’s not what you do that counts, it’s the quality of your attention.
• When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.
• The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. 
• Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.

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